Confessions— scratch that…
I was writing something else and then I deleted it.
I don’t need to write that crap.
Instead I’m going to talk about attraction.
Relationships with other people are built upon a type of attraction.
Whether it be introduced through physical or mental attraction is up to circumstance.
When I talk to a smart person I want to talk to them again.
If that encounter is favorable I would like to share a fun activity with them.
Over time I’d like to get to know that person.
On the other hand if I see a very attractive person.
I would like to see them again.
When I get the courage to actually talk to them.
I am predisposed to believe my thin hopes will be crushed.
That I, as I know it to be true, will be talking to a moron.
For some reason I judge people as though their looks and thoughts correlate.
Therefore when I find a smart person I find physically attractive and smart
I am pleasantly surprised.
Attractive looks and thoughts making a pattern.
Strange concept because both depend on my own opinion.
I like how some of my friends think and others call them simple.
My judgment on physical attraction is also what people would call unconventional.
I’m not sure I understand it myself.
But I digress.
What I was saying before about correlation between
physical and mental attraction can’t be identified.
Human individuality has to be taken into account and I can’t factor it.
We’re an amazingly random species.
In any case, I have found myself over the years to break
from what society at large considers to be
acceptable relationship behavior.
As much as I want society to go screw itself
Maybe it has a point.
I probably shouldn’t continue such practices.
I know that you can’t make everybody happy
But my past transgressions had me trying to do just that.
I guess it all depends on the partner.
Different people approve of different activities.
But I never would have been okay with what I was doing.
So I am of the opinion I was blind.
Blind to the consequences of my own actions.
I now can see but I haven’t stopped feeling the urge.
Urging me to devolve to what I was before.
I won’t give in to it.
Because I know I’m broken.
She knows I’m broken and
She still accepts me for the scorched damaged person I am.
I would be acting out of fear.
Fear that she knows and I can’t handle that.
I would want someone that didn’t know me.
Someone I could pretend to be someone else with.
It’s a storybook tale that belongs in a book.
Somewhere away from me, since I won’t be entertaining such thoughts again.
I think of different things these days.
Red sun and hot sand.
Lizards and armadillos.
She’s wearing khaki and dark sunglasses
Holding her hand over her eyes she looks ahead over the ridge.
That’s right, I’m thinking of the desert.
I’m going there. With her
Among the whispering rocks and the dark blue ink sky.
Wanna bet?